she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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