Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
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I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
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It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
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