cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize