My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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