my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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