He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
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So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
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Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
where are my eyebrows?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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