this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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