You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
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I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
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All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize