; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
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My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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