i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
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he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
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I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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