he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
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Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
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On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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