So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
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Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I will be naked everywhere
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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