having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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