theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
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2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
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How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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