worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
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I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
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Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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