alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
You did what with his pubic hair?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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