woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
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i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
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My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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