i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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