Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize