I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I wish you could order shots online.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
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Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
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the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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