I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I'm both gender and math confused
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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