i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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