dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
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the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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