Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize