Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
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the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
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One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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