Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
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When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
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