You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
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I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
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I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize