i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
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