i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
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Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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