cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
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I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
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He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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