I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
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So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
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In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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