It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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