she woke up with a sticky ear
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
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I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
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If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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