Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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