When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
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Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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