You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
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So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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