Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
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She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
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I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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