It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
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Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
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I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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