I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
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herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
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My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize