God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
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Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
i've created a new STD.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
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Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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