Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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