Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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