when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
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I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
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Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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