i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
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I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
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On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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