So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
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ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
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Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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