I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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