this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
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she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
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You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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