It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
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did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
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The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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