Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize