Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
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We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
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I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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